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Stop doing this at home! A Funny, But True Example

 

Criticism: Verbally attacking our spouse’s personality and character

Contempt: Attacking their sense of self (sarcasm and arrogance)

Defensiveness: Defensively seeing yourself as a victim to ward off perceived attacks.

Stonewalling : Withdrawing or shutting down.

These qualities DESTROY relationships.

These are nicknamed the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” (Gottman and Silver 2015).  The reason is simple, once they are present in a marriage there is very strong chance your headed toward divorce! In fact, along with a few other related symptoms, divorce can be predicted with over 90% accuracy!

HATE THEM and click on the video for a funny illustration of what the first three look like. Note: Both “offices” reveal the first three Horsemen.

Who’s Your Daddy?

“Therefore, you should pray like this

-Our Father in heaven,”

Matthew 6:9-13

After describing how NOT to pray (Matthew 6:5-8), Jesus brought into prayer, for those who are committed to learning  from him, the unique approach of addressing God as “Abba” (Galatians 4:6, Romans 8:15) Father. Today, this seems kind of obvious, but at this period of time it was a huge paradigm shift. The great and mighty God of Israel and of all creation is addressed with the same way every Hebrew child addressed his earthly father. Jesus taught that our relationship with God begins with an understanding of our identity as children of God. The way we relate to God will determine HOW we relate to our spouse, our neighbors and our selves. The amazing thing is  it’s also  true of our earthly parents.

In counseling couples one of the first things I look for is an idea of each person’s family history. In other words, I want to understand what their relationships were like growing up with their parents and siblings. I want to understand how they have made sense of their history with the adults who’ve raised them. This has been proven to be a critical issue in ALL relationships. The latest research has even verified that our own parental connections will determine the nature all of our other relational connections. Specifically, it’s how we have made sense of our childhood relationship to our parents (Collins, Read 1990). It is the story we tell ourselves and others about our moms and dads that sets the stage for everything. I believe this is equally true with God. Jesus knows that our working model of how we view God will affect everything. How we treat our spouses is a portrait of our working model of God and of our personal family history.

 God is not condemning. God is not blaming. God is not contemptuous and critical. God does NOT treat us as our sins deserve. If you have come to Christ, then you can come to this God as your Father, whose acceptance of you is without question. You can come to God as your Father, who wants to know all your fears, failures and temptations. You can come to God as your Father, who accepts all your ugly parts, ugly emotions and embarassments. You can come to, this God as your father being real, being vulnerable and being open with Him on a daily basis.

Here are some Psalms that reflect this truth!

Psalms 23, 42, 84, 116, 117, 118, 121, 131

But wait there’s more!

Another great thing about the Father is that he is OUR Father! Jesus explicitly uses the plural, in contrast to our individualistic approaches to faith here in America. We are not alone in this family! He also surrounds us with the right brothers and sisters at the right time and not just our husband or wife (1 Timothy 2:1- 3:16). We are God’s household!

James 4:17

Challenge:

Reflect: What does my marriage say about my view of God?

Be open with your Father and be also open with a trusted sibling (brother to brother, sister to sister)  about your fears, failures and temptations. Be healed.

 

Collins, Nancy L.; Read, Stephen J. 1990. Adult attachment, working models, and relationship quality in dating couples. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol 58(4), Apr 1990, 644-663.

                                                 

                                                 

“But I Need Help With My Marriage!”

What does prayer have to do with marriage?

During Jesus’ days on earth prayer had become, on the one hand, the vain babbling of pagan worshippers, or on the other hand, a performance of piety for “righteous Jews”. In the first case, it was the repetition and abundance of words that would appease the gods, who would reluctantly squeeze out a blessing because of the worshipper’s verbal workout. In the second case, it had become a theatrical production for the street corner and the synagogue. It seems that words themselves had became an idol with  magical powers over the spiritual realm or it became about elegant wording that become a tool of status in  the “church”.

Matthew 6:9 “And when you pray, do not use vain repetitions as the heathen do. For they think that they will be heard for their many words. Therefore do not be like them. For your Father knows the things you have need of before you ask Him.”
One commentator, David Guzik, quoting Clark says, “One can pray long – but to the wrong god. In 1 Kings 18:26 the prophets of Baal cried out, “O Baal answer us” for half the day. In Acts 19:34 a mob in Ephesus shouted, “Great is Artemis of the Ephesians” for two hours. The true God isn’t impressed by the length or eloquence of our prayers, but the heart. “Prayer requires more of the heartthan of the tongue. The eloquence of prayer consists in the fervency of desire, and the simplicity of faith.” (Clarke)

Not much has changed since those days. It seems that much of our prayer lives end up either  being for a human audience (even if it’s for us), or as a magical incantation, that if recited properly “in Jesus Name”, or some other verbal rite, would gaurantee blessing. Personally, I have always struggled with prayer as a discipline, much like most of us struggle with dieting and exercise. It has been a mixture, at times,  of great pride in my potent and personal piety or it was an area I hoped no one asked about! And let’s not talk about praying with my wife! It has been an on again-off again carousel of guilt or embarrassment.

The Lord’s Prayer has always fascinated me because  it seemed either too simplistic or  too complicated. Even as a young Christian we were taught to the “ACTS ” prayer as a model, rather than the one Jesus actually gave for disciples. Could it be we have been missing something by ignoring this model? As a side note, I do not believe Jesus called his disciples to recite the prayer as a strict incantation, but I do beleive he intended for us to embrace it as a pattern.

So here was my challenge; to embrace the Lord’s Prayer, on a committed daily basis for the next year. I would do so in the hopes of understanding its depths and exploring its power. The only other detail I added was that this  would be, each and every day ,a prayer in a “closet”, meaning without interruption and NOT just on-the-go. My challenge began in January and now, in February, I have already noticed a definite shift in prayer’s personal meaning for me.

The Lord’s prayer is about relationship, at its core, and it is the sum of all the prayers in the Bible, especially the Psalms. Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote, “It would not be difficult to arrange all of the Psalms according to the petitions of the Lord’s Prayer. We should need to change only slightly our arrangement of the order of the sections” (Life Together and Prayerbook of the Bible: Dietrich Bonhoeffer Works. Minneapolis: Augsburg Fortress, 1996, 177). It lays a relational foundation that will transform ALL OTHER RELATIONSHIPS.

We have made a horrible shift in our day away from relationship, (especially in the religous world) and our marriages have suffered accordingly. Dr. John Gottman, (America’s foremost relationship expert), lists trust and commitment as the “walls” of the Sound Relationship House and “love maps”, really getting to know your spouse’s inner world, as its foundation! Simply put, in our knowledge of God, this is what prayer is actually about!

What Jesus has given is is a distillation of all biblical prayer and a model that allows us to approach God in such a way that simultaneously heals our wounds and moves His heart.

We can divide (my personal approach)  the Lord’s Prayer into seven parts;

Our Father…

Your Name Be Holy

Your Kingdom Come…

Give Us…

Forgive Us…

Lead Us…

Close

It’s about relationship!

 

 

Lasting Change in 2016

It’ll be here in less than a month. It’s coming slowly but surely! No, not the Force Awakens ( I will hopefully see it after the rush!) but the New Year is almost here! The time for resolutions, examinations and fresh starts. This is partially the reason for the spike of action in January  and February, which then drops in April and May. We may start off strong and then fizzle out or we may just give up on any change at all. This tension is woven throughout my life and most of the friends and family around me. The Serenity Prayer is very true as it daily asks God for the peace that comes from accepting the things we cannot  change, power to change those things we can and  the wisdom to know the difference. It seems in these troubled times we’re all seeking this kind of wisdom. We may have some great goals in mind as we look forward to the New Year as a kick-start.

Some of us may also notice that our lives are becoming less and less functional. Some may struggle in parenting  our children (at whatever age), because as soon as we get a grip on one phase, they’ve  already moved on to another. In our marriages, we may have seen the past year reveal or continue some conflict, sin or weakness that keeps us stuck. We may personally feel that there’s some deeply buried sadness  gnawing at us that only seems to get louder and louder as we get older. Whatever it us for you, I want to offer some hope. The hope I want to highlight in this brief writing is this; God wants to heal you, before he wants to change your circumstances.

 To some this may not seem so encouraging, but I am of the conviction that the greatest wound of all  is the lie that says we are not valued or loved. We want and we fight for some outward change, but may still neglect this fundamental truth of the Gospel. If anything,  Jesus wants to communicate to us  this fact; YOU are loved. This is confirmed by his resurrection and ratified in his blood. As I read from a devotional this morning…

-Hebrews 13:20

 Now may the God of peace—

who brought up from the dead our Lord Jesus,

the great Shepherd of the sheep,

and ratified an eternal covenant with his blood—

may he equip you with all you need

for doing his will.

May he produce in you,e

through the power of Jesus Christ,

every good thing that is pleasing to him.

All glory to him forever and ever! Amen.

 Yes, we all want some changes and we may be avoiding other changes, but imagine God’s perspective. He first wants us to know our worth, as His shepherded people, and then he actively prepares us for our ultimate destination and goal.

    The word “equip” used here in Hebrews  means exactly that. It’s actually the same word used in Matthew 4:2, where it says the disciples were “mending” their nets. God is mending you together and completing your wholeness, whether its for the first time or after a long lapse, if we allow him to. Embracing this calling and this love  is what Christian ministry (leadership, serving, counseling, etc…) is all about.  I urge you to hold on to this truth. Seek help. Don’t settle. Don’t just keep doing what you’ve already done!

Embrace inward change as the first change of 2016.

Get Rid Of It!

Ephesians 4:29
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
 

As we come to this final week of our Marriage Between Friends workshop I have had the amazing opportunity to watch 6 couples (and ourselves!) grow and develop in ways that have been really encouraging. So in a nutshell what have we learned together?
It seems the most common struggle among us was the tendency to protect ourselves from being hurt by putting up defenses. In other words we simply avoid being VULNERABLE with our spouses  . IT is HARD being vulnerable no matter how long you’ve been married. For example Pam and I have been married for almost 25 years (This December 1st!!!) and we still find it challenging to talk about such basic issues as our sex lives. Twenty five YEARS, and we still struggle with talking things through as if we were newly weds!
We may describe a particular problem as being the fault of our husband or wife. We may blame some aspect of their character. We may minimize how we are really doing or we may even become hyper-critical, but if we allow the Spirit to really speak to our hearts, we would clearly see something very different.
We would see a frightened child who fears that he/she is unloved, shameful and abandoned. We may also hear fears of being rejected by others if they knew “what’s really going on.” in our marriages (or with us). We may sense a fear of certain secrets coming out that could force us to face some ugly truth. Maybe we would even hear a voice that says, “If you dare deal with this issue, then your marriage is over”.

All these fears are hidden behind four “protectors”:
Criticism
Defensiveness
Contempt
and Stonewalling (Gottman 2015)

Although they’re  very effective at keeping us “safe”, absolutely nothing grows when these protectors are on duty. We grow to love and value these protectors and they’re like our pesonal security force protecting us from any hurt that a spouse could possibly dish out. But if you want a marriage that thrives there’s only one solution; GET RID OF THEM.
If you still doubt this assessment, try giving them up for one week…just one week, and note how different your relationship is. You will also find yourself feeling some stuff that you probably haven’t felt in a while, both pleasant and unpleasant.
You would also come to understand and know your husband/wife in ways that you never have before. You would discover, or rediscover, that powerful spark that drew you together in the first place.

Marriage Between Friends


 

                         Marriage between                                                             Monday evenings 7-8:30 PM

Dates : October 5, 12, 19, 26 November 2, 9, 16 & 23

Marriage Between Friends: The 7 Principles Workshop This couple’s workshop will make a profound and powerful impact on your marriage through practical exercises, reading and group interactions based on The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman (Crown Publishing Group.)

This workshop will…. • Offer an initial assessment with practical ways to improve your overall marital satisfaction. • Provide an opportunity for meaningful change. • Help you to understand why most marriage therapy fails. • Show specific techniques to increase relational well-being based on Gottman’s 7 Principles. This workshop is for any couple that is ready to revitalize their marriage. If your marriage is distressed or needs a “boost” this workshop is for you!      

Antoine Lee MEd, MC is a recent graduate of Nyack Christian College with a Masters in Mental Health Counseling. Currently he has been an independent Contractor for organizations such as Community Access as well as for the HIV/AIDS Center, Project HEAL and Women’s Support Services at Montefiore Hospital. He provided mental health in-service presentations and workshops in mindfulness training and assisted in and supported facilitation of peer support groups. He has recently completed an internship at University Behavioral Associates (Montefiore) where he helped to support transitional families. Antoine has been a pre-marital and marital counseling volunteer for over 20 years; Youth and Family leader for over ten years; motivated teaching professional with over 13 years experience addressing student needs and ensuring proper student development and an experienced 8th grade teacher with an excellent parent-teacher communication record and student motivation techniques. Antoine brings to the counseling setting his deep biblical knowledge and practical application that he has learned over the years as he has grown and matured while raising his family and helping people for over 25 years at his church. He is a creative professional with extensive project experience from concept to development.

Pricing and Commitment:

~Participants are encouraged to attend all 8 sessions.

~The price per couple is…  $20 per session ( this is an estimate to cover the costs of room rental)  and a one time payment of $40 for a package  that includes 2 workbooks and the main text!

Location: 3600 Fieldston Road – Suite 2K                                        Bronx NY 10463 (On Riverdale Avenue, at 236th street)

Day: Weekly on Monday evenings 7-8:30 PM                 Dates : October 5, 12, 19, 26 November 2, 9, 16 and 23

For application, email Antoine Lee at alee162@msn.com

 

You need to persevere….

The Bible has many admonitions to persevere. In Hebrews 10:36 The writer says “You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised”. Today I have to fight anxiety and fear and draw my heart and mind to obey this promise.

I am not one to persevere naturally. I am a quitter. I hate to suffer and I like immediate gratification. I was the person who turned to alcohol and drugs to numb my pain so I could give myself instant gratification. Throughout my life God has been teaching me perseverance, how to wait on him in peace and serenity. Sometimes it’s better than others. The scriptures and my obedience to them makes the difference.

Scriptures like Heb 10:36, James 1:12 (NIV)
[12] Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him and 1Timothy 4:16 (NIV)
[16] Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers, help me when I need to persevere with God, my children, people and myself.

Today I have to persevere in my faith. I have a lot of changes going on in my personal life as we embark on a new career in Mental Health Counseling. It is filled with excitement of new ideas but also many uncertainties and financial strain. I feel the strain and can persevere on most days but then days like today leave me worried and anxious. I have to stop and turn my heart towards the scriptures and hold onto 1 Cor13 that says love always perseveres and James 5:11 NIV
[11] As you know, we count as blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.

Yes, I need to persevere! Thanks God for his promises to me. Thank God for his compassion and mercy for when I am weak. Thank God for his spirit that helps me be strong in Him today.

Adult Children

Much has been written on raising small children, school age children and teens. Dealing with adult children however is where the need is for me and many in my age group. If God grants us longevity we will deal with our children as adults for many more years than we did with them as minors. How do we maintain emotional closeness? How do we balance when to speak and when to listen? How do we keep clear boundaries without pushing them away?

These are some of the topics we would like to talk about. What are some of your thoughts, ideas, and questions?

Life and death……

Yesterday I read a short excerpt about a couple that lived through a hurricane. They thought they were going to die. They made plans in the event of their death. Surprisingly they survived. The death threatening experience gave them a new outlook on their relationship leaving behind a deep gratitude for each other. The author of the reading asked, what day to day annoyances and problems seem trivial when placed against a backdrop of life and death? I was challenged to think about the critical thoughts about my husband that often cross my mind daily. In the face of his death they seem so trivial. I got up and washed the dishes that he placed in the sink, thankful that he was there to eat. I cleaned the table, grateful that he was able to sit and talk to me over a meal. I put away the food, grateful that he was able to sit with me afterwards and enjoy a movie. Yes, in the face of life and death I have no time to complain, only time to enjoy this day because tomorrow is not promised to me or him. John 4:13-15