One of my favorite authors wrote the following in describing what love can feel like, on an emotional level.

“The following statement express the emotional reality at the foundation of long-term links: ‘I love you, and I’m afraid I will lose you. I’m afraid you’ll die. I’m afraid you will stop loving me. I need you. I need your love.’ Though simple, these statements get to the heart of closeness. If two people love each other deeply, they can truly help each other bear these feelings, provided they can get past the idea that expressing them shows weakness or that they can make them go away by denying them.”

Aron, Elaine N. (2010-04-01). The Undervalued Self: Restore Your Love/Power Balance, Transform the Inner Voice That Holds You Back, and Find Your True Self-Worth (p. 238). Little, Brown and Company. Kindle Edition.

Pam and I have been really encouraged by our kick off session of Marriage Between Friends and it promises to be a really powerful experience. It seems God brought people from various sources ranging from old friends to couples we don’t know from Adam! One of the benefits of facilitating a marriage workshop  is that we, as a couple, get to examine and strengthen our own relationship, you know, just  tighten it up a little. At least that’s what I thought until I heard Pam say she wanted to fill out the Lock Wallace Marital Assessment form “anonymously, like all the others in the class”. The Lock Wallace form is an initial assessment tool given out to the participants and it  asks some pretty straight forward questions about marital satisfaction. In addition to rating your overall marital satisfaction from “Very Unhappy” to “Perfectly Happy” other questions include;

• Do you ever wish you had not married?
• If you had to live your life over again, do you think you would marry the same person?

“So..uh..why don’t you want me to see it?”

I immediately felt a great twinge of insecurity welling up inside. There was that voice that said, “Uh oh, its all going to unravel now. She has been trying to hide the fact that she’s really been miserable. Perhaps she’s been hiding it because she didn’t want to hurt my feelings. She should just tell me the truth and stop trying to be so over protective! If it’s really that bad she should just tell me now an get it over with. There is something really wrong and I don’t know what it is! I am not really as loved as i think I am!”

 After I shook myself out of this internal panic I dared to share  these thoughts with Pam and she said it was nothing more than wanting to follow what all the others in the program did.  We had asked all the participants to fill out the assessment and turn it in anonymously. Most did just that and so filled out the form without showing their spouse, which Pam wanted to follow.

Where did all that come from? The fact is, no matter how long  we’ve been married, there is always a nagging part of us that feels we are just unloveable. We fear this  unlovable part of us will be seen and, once seen, our spouse’s love will become extinguished. This (we are unlovable) is a lie.

The truth is, this fear has been around way before I met Pam and explains why marriage stressors are so extremely painful. They expose our shame and vulnerability. At worse, my fears can become self-fulfilling prophecies or confirmations of this horrible lie. In Christ, we can embrace the truth that we are valued and loved despite our fears and our worst case scenarios. In Christ we can know that our worst fears are a lie. We are lovable, we are valued and we are worth it. At its best, marriage can be a source of healing that reflects this truth, helps us handle these feelings and calm the soul. This foundation is the solid ground that friendship can be built on. We love because he first loved us, despite our fears to the contrary.

So this journey begins for the dozen or so participants of our workshop and, even for the facilitator, it promises to be a wild ride! It promises to be more than just tightening up a few loose ends.

What are your thoughts?

For all involved in the course, enjoy your reading and we look forward to Monday!